The LTLF Christmas Message – from Gordon Brown

Dear loyal voters*,

(*I know you would vote for me if you had the chance. In fact, so confident of this was I, I decided it really wasn’t worth going to the effort of having a general election just to find out what we already knew.)

It really is an honour for me to be invited to deliver this year’s LTLF Christmas message, particularly as recently my own party have stopped inviting me to anything, even by-elections.

I admit I’m not the most popular person in the country at the moment (let’s face it – if you came across me and Gary Glitter buried up to our heads in the sand, you would have to stop and think about who to kick first), but I sense that I would be welcomed by Nottingham Forest fans. After all, you seem to have a great deal of patience for Scotsmen in positions of power, even when things are going very very badly.

Like Colin Calderwood, I am confident I can turn the current situation around given enough time and enough of your money. But I must put to an end the speculation that Nigel Doughty has written to me asking for Nottingham Forest to be nationalised – you are doing badly, but not as bad as Northern Rock. Alistair Darling tells me Colin Calderwood recently applied for a loan from the Bank of England, but unfortunately they didn’t have any left-backs available.

Trust me, I know what it’s like to support a cash-strapped institution and it’s tempting to switch your allegiance to those owned by foreign millionaires (like several Labour party members I could mention), but keep faith and don’t panic. I believe passionately that blind optimism will win over rational thought (though I’m not sure it always will).

I myself am vowing to tighten my belt in the coming months by not buying any more banks on behalf of the British public and you too can make great savings. This festive period Nottingham Forest are offering you the chance to buy a half season ticket and, no matter what happens, you will be able to take your seat at the City Ground and think about how much anguish and frustration you have saved yourself by missing the first half of the season.

My 2.5% cut of VAT will also save you money, so why not help kick-start the economy and drop into the Club Shop while you’re at it? With the money you save on your half season ticket you could buy many great items of merchandising, including a Forest-branded box of tooth-picks, a roll of Forest toilet paper or a Forest tax disc holder.

Speaking of tax, I have more good news for fans of the Reds – although my government is shortly putting up duty on alcohol, this won’t affect the bar prices at the City Ground as recent tests show that the alcohol content of the beer served inside the stadium falls below the threshold of 0.001% set out by the Licensing Act 2003. However, if we put a tax on cat piss in the next budget, this situation could change drastically.

I wish a very happy holiday period to people from all walks of life in British society, including obscure ethnic minorities (the people of Derbyshire, for instance). The non-specific religious celebrations centred around 25 December are a time for us all to put our differences aside and unite in the name of the values that make our country great – watching crap TV, drinking far too much, eating unhealthy food and arguing with our relatives.

The important thing to remember is that you only have to put up with it until Boxing Day when you can go down to the City Ground and hurl some abuse at the inbreds of Doncaster. Just remember, as the song once went, “We’ll keep the red flag flying here”.

Yours (for the time being),

Gordon Brown

Editor: Prime Minister Gordon Brown was forced to resign his office shortly after writing this message because the phrase “all walks of life” was deemed offensive to people unable to walk, according to New Labour’s official guidelines on political correctness.