The Life of Brian’s Statue: Robin Hood

In the first of a new series, Brian Clough’s statue muses on his life and what’s happening locally…

It’s a great spot this, right in the middle of the city. Better than the one Robin Hood’s got, next to the castle. Well, it’s not even a proper castle is it?

He’s getting a lot of attention mind, with a new film coming out. He’s in all the papers at the moment. All about him being a local legend and everything.

But, the thing is, when it comes to local legends they don’t come any bigger than me, do they?

Did Robin Hood win two European Cups? No. Okay, the European Cup competition wasn’t around in his day, but there’s no record of him winning any archery trophies is there! And he was supposed to be good at that. I’ve never tried archery, but if I had done, I’d have been bloody good at it!

Y’see, that Robin Hood feller, he stole from the rich and gave to the poor, so they say. I’ve never stolen from the rich, or anyone else, but I had a bloody good go at sorting out that cheating lot up at Leeds United. I didn’t mess about, I told ’em straight.

See, Robin Hood was an outlaw; he hid away in the forest, kept himself and his men away from the Sheriff and his cronies. I wouldn’t have done it that way, I’d have gone down to the city and sorted ’em out, told ’em what’s what; given ’em a clip round the ear hole if I had to.

And I’m not sure about those green tights. If one of my players had turned up for training dressed like that, he’d have got a flea in his ear. I’d have sent him packing.

But, I suppose, to be fair Robin’s had more films made about him than I have. Give it time, eh?

The film is bringing more tourists into the city though, so that’s good. They all come to look at me when they’re here.

The other day I overheard a couple of these tourists, saying how they were surprised I’d got no pigeon droppings on me, whereas Robin Hood was covered in ’em that day apparently. I felt like saying to ’em: “The pigeons don’t shit on me – they wouldn’t bloody dare!”