The Life of Brian’s Statue – Election Special

Brian Clough’s statue muses on his life and what’s happening in the world today…

Well, I’ve always been a socialist, and proud of it; never made any secret of it.

But, the leaders of the main parties battling to govern this country don’t seem to know whether they’re red, blue or purple with pink spots on!

I’d love to get hold of that lot. I’d soon lick ‘em into shape.

There’s Gordon Brown, or ‘Bomber’ as I like to call him. Now, he’d make a good, solid centre half. I know he can’t see so well, but that wouldn’t matter. As long as he’d be prepared to fling himself at anything that came near him, he’d do for me.

He doesn’t really look match fit though. I’d have to ring his wife and tell her to wean him off the meat pies and deep fried Mars Bars. But, I reckon he could do a job for me, we’d just have to work on his tendency to score own goals.

Now then, young Cameron looks in better shape; I could see him flying down the left wing. He probably wouldn’t like it on the left; I can just imagine him saying, “Listen Mr Clough, I’m right wing. That’s where I was born to play old chap.”

I wouldn’t stand for any of that. And another thing with David that would concern me is all this Bullingdon Club nonsense. There’s one thing I can’t stomach and that’s messy eaters. Any trouble from him and he’d be out on loan. Somewhere like Carlisle. Until he learns some table manners and to keep his bloody mouth shut.

As for Nick Clegg, he’s seems a nice enough young man. A bit too nice maybe. I’d play him as a defensive midfielder, helping out Bomber, who, let’s face it, needs all the help he can get. Cleggy would be a bit like Nobby Stiles, but with better teeth.
He’s a bit bland and boring though. No way would I let him spout off during the half time team talk and send the rest of the team to sleep. He reminds me of Jimmy Hill. It’s one of life’s great mysteries why the BBC allowed Jimmy to host Match of the Day for so many years.

One thing they would all learn very quickly is that I’m the gaffer. I expect all three of ‘em would want the captain’s armband, but I’d make ‘em sweat. They’d have to wait until half past two the following Saturday to find out who gets my vote!