The Life of Brian’s Statue: Celebrities

Brian Clough’s statue muses on his life and what’s happening in the world today…

Now then, I see people walking up and down this street all the time. See ’em running for a bus, or stopping for a smoke right in front of me. Or they walk along chatting on their mobile phones. Everyone’s got one of those these days, even some of the old dears.

But, there’s something else I’ve noticed. Lots of people are walking about with magazines tucked under their arms. Magazines with titles like ‘Hello!’ and ‘Heat’. I see these glossy magazine covers with photos of people with shiny teeth and golden tans, and I think to myself, ‘What the bloody hell is all that about?’

Then you hear people talking about ’em. Like they’re something special. But, when they mention their names, I’m left here feeling a bit bemused. I’ve never heard of any of ’em!

Well, apart from Victoria and David of course. Now, he could play a bit. But, the thing is he’d have been twice the player he was if I’d managed him. I’d have sorted him out. Made him the best. And, I’m not ever so sure about that beard he’s got right now. It makes him look like he’s about to join the Bee Gees. Mind you, with his squeaky voice, I reckon he’d fit in well. And I reckon he’d enjoy wearing a tight fitting white cat suit, with big flares. That young man’s never had any dress sense. I’m bloody glad Victoria’s given up the singing though! Her last effort was worse than Waddle and Hoddle, and that’s saying something.

As far as I’m concerned there’s only ever been a handful of real celebrities. There’s Morecambe and Wise, bloody marvellous entertainment for all the family on a Saturday night. There’s my old pal Muhammad Ali of course. If you think I’ve got a gob on me then you’d better think again! Ali could talk all day. I reckon he probably talked in his sleep! And finally, there’s old blue eyes himself, Frank Sinatra.

Those people were real stars and they’d easily walk into any one of my teams.

As for rest of ’em, they’d be lucky if I let ’em make the bloody tea!