The Life of Brian’s Statue: Handbags

Brian Clough’s statue in Nottingham muses on his life and what’s happening in the world today…

They’re at it all the bloody time! Footballers love to get their handbags out and swing ‘em at each other! Most weekends, y’hear about it, whether it’s Kevin Nolan, Diaby of Arsenal or whoever, they all reckon they’re hard men.

Not in my book though. The real hard men of football retired long ago – these days they’re all prima donnas who, more than likely, do themselves an injury just by picking up their wallets!

I overheard a couple of fellers talking about some woman in Northampton who took on SIX jewellery shop robbers, all armed with sledgehammers, and chased ‘em off, using just her handbag. Now, that’s more like it!

Unless it was Norman Hunter, or Chopper Harris, or even my old pal Stuart Pearce in drag – in which case they’re all past it – I reckon someone should sign her up and play her at centre half. I can’t see these £50 million pound strikers getting much change out of her.

I don’t know what she had in her handbag, whether it was a house brick or a hardback edition of War and Peace, but whatever it was, those robbers weren’t prepared to go to war with her. And that’s what you need in a football team – an enforcer – someone who sorts all the other buggers out! There aren’t enough of ‘em around these days, from what I can gather.

As a manager, I would never stand for any nonsense, and I made sure, in no uncertain terms, all my players knew that. If any one of ‘em had ever got involved in any fighting on the pitch, I’d have punched his lights out!