Dear John

My dear beloved Forest,

What on earth has happened to us? We used to have such great times and were so happy together and now we just seem to be drifting apart. Your flowing moves used to excite me to the point of distraction, and the climax to those moves was often unbelievable. Your passion and commitment used to warm me on a cold Saturday afternoon when we spent time together, but now your caresses have become cold and uncaring. You used to bring sunshine into my life and now I see nothing but dark clouds and dull, rainy days.

Of course I still love you. I always will and that will never change. But now I love you as I would a sister or an ageing parent – not as the alluring and exciting mistress you once were.

And as mistresses go, you’re pretty expensive to maintain. Three season tickets a year, travel from and to Leeds, parking, programs, food, drinks, merchandise – plus the occasional away day when northern opportunities present themselves. All told I’m probably looking at the thick end of £2,000 a year – a lot of money when times are hard.

Obviously my wife has always been aware of our affair. In the past she’s turned a blind eye to it because when we used to spend time together I’d come home excited and happy. Now I return home grumpy, irritable and disillusioned – so not surprisingly she’s now trying to end our liaison. She says that £2,000 a year would buy a nice holiday or a new kitchen – and unusually I have no comeback.

You’ve tried to liven things up I know. Of course the BC method was by far the best and in truth that spoilt me for far too long and raised the bar far too high. The FC method worked briefly – but then we entered the dark years when we parted company before – the DB, RA and DP methods were quite frankly a disaster. The PH method brought me round again and I couldn’t get enough of you – but that was short lived and the bad times came back with the GM method – that ginger hairdo never suited you! The CC method paved the way for the second coming with the BD method – so similar to the BC method, and not just alphabetically. Just when we seemed to be getting somewhere you felt the need to change things again and introduced the SMc method. I let you have your way but I knew it was doomed to failure and I was right. So in desperation you’ve tried the SC method – and it’s all very nice but nothing seems to fit together properly.

You seriously need help. You need to bring the passion back and make me proud to be with you because at the moment, I’m just embarrassed to be associated with you. My friends in Leeds used to be in awe of you; now they laugh in my face. Tarty and ugly as their mistress is, at least she has some fire and passion.

In all honestly, I can’t live without you – but at the moment I can’t live with you; it just hurts too much.

I look forward to better times ahead and I hope we can share them together; if not, at least I may be able to enjoy a nice holiday or a shiny new kitchen in the summer.

Yours forever,

Red Rebel, Leeds. Born a red and will die a red.