Unemployable man forced into work under government scheme

Chancellor George Osborne has hailed his new ‘help-to-work’ scheme as a success as the first unemployable person was put to work on a job no one else wants.

Steve McClaren, of no fixed abode, started work this afternoon after the government identified him as one of the underclass who would never otherwise find work.

Mr Osborne announced his new crackdown on the jobless at the Conservative Party conference. Under the scheme, those with poor employment records will be forced to work menial and degrading jobs such as picking litter, cleaning toilets or managing Derby County Football Club.

Mr Osborne said: “We want to make it clear that you will always be better off in work than on benefits, even if that work is utterly demeaning and no one in their right mind would willingly do it, which is why Derby were the perfect fit for our trial run.”

Mr McClaren, 52, has a long history of short-term jobs, a typical pattern among those targeted by the new government scheme. He was given the specially created role of head coach at Derby in what the government hope will be a strong warning to those who would shirk a hard day’s graft.

Mr Osborne added: “Obviously not everybody in the ‘help-to-work’ programme will have to undertake such trivial and pointless work as managing Derby, but we need to send the message out that there is no such thing as a free ride. When people weigh up the pros and cons of going on the dole, we believe the prospect of working at Pride Park will be a sufficient deterrent.”

Mr McClaren has long been under the watch of the authorities after several alarming employment scams. In 2007 he was cautioned for claiming to be an international football manager, though evidence showed he had no influence over the team in question whatsoever. He might have completed the deception had he not been spotted lurking near the pitch with a large umbrella and a clueless look on his face.

Furthermore, in 2010 he successfully passed himself off as Dutch in another elaborate ploy, though when he tried the same thing in Germany he was quickly identified by the local law enforcement and deported.

Since then McClaren has been a drain on society and his only registered employment came briefly in 2011 when he used a falsified CV to gain a coveted position in Nottingham, costing another man his job in the process. Most recently he has been linked to a notorious London criminal known as ‘Harry the Hammer’.

But while the chancellor hailed Mr McClaren’s enforced employment at Derby County as a clear message that the country would no longer tolerate uselessness, Labour condemned the move saying it showed how “heartless” the Tories had become.

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls commented: “Clearly in this case Mr McClaren is simply not fit for work and trying to give him a job is pointless. By forcing him to work at Derby, the coalition might as well be sending him to the Gulag.

“The likes of Mr McClaren need society’s help, possibly in an NHS mental health ward. Incompetence of this level is clearly a debilitating illness, but the Tories seem intent in punishing the disabled and few have less ability than Steve McClaren.”

Meanwhile one dissatisfied Lib Dem backbencher told us many in his party see the move as doomed to failure: “Setting this scheme up as a deterrent is clearly flawed logic. If it came down to a choice between Derby and going to prison for benefit fraud, it’s obvious that most sane people would choose prison.”