The Royal Charter for Press Regulation

by order of King Billy

Thou shalt not do an interview
before or after games
and if you want to chat with us
you’re gonna have to pay.

That shalt not take a photograph
– no, not a single one –
without making it very clear
exactly where you’re from.

Thou shalt not watch a Forest game
without a full report
appearing in your newspaper
or we’ll see you in court.

Thou shalt not state that Jimbo Price
is anybody’s cousin;
his legal firm and current role
are not up for discussion.

Thou shalt not mention Georgie Boyd
and his failed eye test,
or that Darius Henderson
was put under arrest.

Thou shalt not tell a living soul
about the owner’s PJs
or dare imply in any way
that he is slightly crazed.

Thou shalt not inquire into where
the money’s coming from
or speculate how long before
the lot of it is gone.

Thou shalt not suggest we might fail
Financial Fair Play
or wonder if our sponsor deals
are really what we say.

~ ~ ~

We trust these edicts will deter
all members of the press
from saying that the current scene
is aught but picturesque.

But any hacks who disobey
or attempt to provoke
will find their precious press passes
are suddenly revoked.

So if you are foolish enough
to try and test your luck,
your career in the media
is absolutely f***ed…