Breakthrough particle, the ‘Hobbs-Boson’, discovered

Scientists have discovered a long-theorised but previously unidentified particle that goes some way to explaining the mysteries of the footballing universe.

The Hobbs-Boson is described as a crucial element of quantum physics that allows a footballer to be in two places at once and simultaneously have two contradictory transfer statuses.

Esteemed physicist Prof. Howard Ino told us: “We were starting to doubt the existence of the Hobbs-Boson, but finally our research paid off last week when we noticed that the defender Jack Hobbs was occupying several points in space and time at once.

“He was seemingly both a Nottingham Forest player and a Hull City asset, having been announced by Forest chairman Fawaz Al-Hasawi as a done deal, whilst concurrently being touted out by Hull to other clubs. This was clearly not possible unless we could explain it using quantum mechanics.

“We looked into it further and saw that Hobbs was also on a season’s long loan with a pre-contract agreement in place, but at the same time also out on a short-term loan while Hull monitored his recovery from injury. The two things cannot both be true, at least not in a classical physics sense, so the existence of the so-called ‘Hobb Particle’ is the only explanation that fits.”

Professor Ino and his team discovered the Hobbs-Boson by an experimental process of firing newspaper speculation and vaguely worded press releases up and down the A15 at high speed.

A team of rival scientists using a similar technique thought they might have discovered the Hobbs-Boson last week as they fired obscene amounts of money down the M6 from Manchester to London, but it turned out it was just dark Mata.

The Hobbs-Boson was first theorised in 1972 when Ian Storey-Moore was simultaneously signed by both Derby County and Manchester United, suggesting it was possible for a footballer to occupy two points in the space-time continuum.

Some feared that the quest for the Hobbs-Boson could bring about the apocalypse, with internet forums and social networks simply imploding with frustration and anger with so much misinformation flying around.

When asked for a statement, Nottingham Forest said they would be asking scientists to investigate whether any more of their players have been bending the laws of physics. “We have our suspicions about Lee Camp,” a spokesman told us. “During his last season with us, it definitely seemed as if he was somewhere else.”

In other news:

• Controversial UKIP councillor David Silvester has blamed a transfer window drought at Nottingham Forest on the club’s decision to allow an immoral relationship to fester within its ranks.

  In an open letter, Mr Silvester wrote: “The scriptures make it abundantly clear that when three men enter into an unholy union, they will be punished by natural disasters.

  “Clearly Forest’s barren transfer window has come about because the depraved three-way love-in between Billy Davies, Jim Price and Fawaz Al-Hasawi has angered God.”

• Anti-immigration campaigners have raised concerns that soon the entire population of Algeria will have emigrated to England.

  Pressure group spokesman Malcolm Tent told us: “It started with Adlène Guedioura recommending his Algerian team-mate Djamel Abdoun move to Nottingham Forest.

  “Now Abdoun has suggested Rafik Djebbour should also move to the club. I’m not a racist, but what I want to know is when will this flood of Algerians, coming over here on recommendation of their compatriots, taking jobs from English players, ever end?”