N. Forest nothing like N. Korea, says Davies

Nottingham Forest manager Billy Davies has denied allegations in the press that the club is being run like North Korea.

According to reports, Forest were dubbed the “Midlands version of North Korea” by a rival club’s chief executive.

But Davies flatly denies any comparisons between his regime and that of Kim Jong-un. He told us: “Since I became Supreme Leader of Nottingham Forest, not one of my uncles has been executed by a pack of ravenous dogs. On the contrary, I get on fine with everyone I’m related to and have given most of them jobs at the City Ground.”

Davies also denies that his recent snubbing of local media in Nottingham and the banning of several national newspaper journalists resembles the strict control of media in the Asian dictatorship.

“Our Forest Player news service is nothing like North Korean state media. The North Korean newsreaders ebulliently sing the praises of their rulers on a daily basis, whereas the Forest Player presenters can scarcely manage more than a monotonous drone – no one is less likely to inspire feverish fanaticism than them.

“Furthermore, North Korean television is notorious for creating mythological results for their football team. On Forest Player this week we have highlights of our team beating a Premier League side five-nil and that actually happened. No, honestly, it really did!”

Despite these doubtful claims, Davies insists that his club is nothing like a totalitarian regime and he welcomes a free press.

“What the journalists who make these allegations about ‘media blackouts’ don’t understand,” he told us, “is that I have a very busy schedule. In an ideal world I’d have plenty of time to speak to all the waiting media after a match, but I simply can’t fit it all in – after all, being a man of the people is very time consuming, especially when you spend half the week hiding from the people in Glasgow.

“I do my best though – if I can’t manage the post-match press conference immediately after a game, I schedule it for another time. For instance, I was happy to field questions after the 3-1 defeat to Yeovil on October 26th – it was simply a case of fitting it in, which is why I eventually staged the post-match press conference on a Thursday in mid-December. As it happens, it seems I needn’t have bothered as none of the gentlemen of the press were interested in attending when we notified them.

“The same thing happened after we capitulated to Reading at the City Ground. I arranged the conference and invited all the media to come and ask their probing questions, but not one journalist turned up. Well, I thought, that’s the last time I bother getting up at 4am for their sake!”

Meanwhile experts have dismissed rumours that Davies has, like Kim Jong-un, been carrying out testing of weapons of mass destruction.

One source in the scientific community told us: “We don’t believe Forest’s recent experiments are anything to be worried about. Despite appearances, Greg Halford is not a weapon of mass destruction. Recent demonstrations may go some way to fool people under Davies’ rule that Forest do have this capability, but Forest will not pose a major threat unless they can acquire such a weapon from outside sources.”

The successful launch of Matt Derbyshire on December 26 has since been proven to be a one-off.

Nevertheless, many clubs are keeping a watchful eye on Davies and Nottingham Forest in case they pose a genuine threat. Little is known about Davies the man, other than what is released by his scrupulous information minister, Jim Jong-Price, but several commentators have remarked recently upon the brutal lengths Davies will go to in order to be taken seriously.

One source, who requested to remain anonymous, told us: “We’ve seen in the last few months the punishments he dishes out to his enemies. We can no longer think of him as a short, fat, comic figure with a Napoleon complex – not that I ever thought of him like that… I mean… Oh god, please don’t put that in print! You’re not undercover agents sent by Price, are you? For the love of God, I have a family! Aarrrrggghh!!!” [At this stage of the interview, the late Paul Taylor hurled himself out of a sixth-story window in a terrified panic.]