Stan Collymore steps in to save humanity

The renowned diplomat, intellectual and five-time Nobel Prize-winner Stanley Victor Collymore is set to answer the despairing cries of the human race once again by brokering peace between Earth and Mars.

Space Admiral Collymore [pictured], whose professional career began in the now defunct game of foot-ball (a precursor to the popular modern sport of CashDash), is breaking away from writing his latest orchestral symphony to help the solar system avoid a catastrophic war.

Tensions between Earth and Mars have reached an all-time high since World President Nigel Farage accused Martian immigrants of moving to Earth simply to gain access to our planet’s healthcare system, including the cure for death discovered by Earth scientist Heston Blumenthal in 2029.

When Mars’ orbit came within 50 million miles of Earth last year, President Farage resumed work on the controversial ‘Space Wall’ project started in 2023 by the late President of the Formerly United States, Donald Trump, during his second term in office (and shortly before his death when the ceremonial first brick landed on his head from a height of 2,000km).

Now with the Martians carrying out tests of their photon battering ram, fears of a conflict on an unimaginable scale have reached fever pitch.

Nonetheless, Admiral Collymore’s timely intervention comes as a surprise as he was believed to have gone into semi-retirement to concentrate on his art and literature shortly after he organised the re-freezing of the polar ice caps in 2055.

In the decades prior to that he was responsible for such incredible diplomatic feats as permanently ending famine in Africa, bringing all religions together under one sense of spiritual unity and teaching Londoners not to panic at the first sign of snow.

However, announcing his intention to become Earth’s ambassador to Mars in a live hologram feed, Admiral Collymore said steering the two planets away from the war path would be his “greatest challenge” since saving Nottingham Forest Football Club more than 50 years ago.

Few people remember, but in early 2017 – the era of ignorance and dogmatism now known to mankind as the Second Dark Age – this sporting institution was on the verge of going out of business due to mismanagement at the hands of a Middle Eastern fridge salesman.

Not only was Admiral Collymore able to save the club by offering his services as an advisor, he set them on the path to becoming the undisputed World CashDash League (Northern Division) Champions that sports fans know and love today.

Speaking to the world’s population as a whole, Admiral Collymore said: “If I was able to talk Fawaz Al-Hasawi into appointing a decent CEO and ceasing his interference in first team matters, sorting out the differences between humans and Martians should be a piece of cake.

“I’ve already posted a blueprint for peace on my ThoughtBlog and I’ve spent the afternoon on the Neurophone with some of the best people I know from my previous careers as a sportsman, radio talkshow host and deep space explorer.

“Not only will I stop Earthmen and Martians going to war, I want to bring about a new age of cooperation and understanding between our two great races.

“So what have you got to say about that, LTLF Forum?”

The meaning of this last remark is unclear, but it could be a reference to the Lost That Loving Feeling media empire of the 2010s, which collapsed when the proprietor was shot dead by an angry Stan Collymore Twitter follower.