The Life of Brian’s Statue: Fancy Dress

Brian Clough’s statue in Nottingham muses on his life and what’s happening in the world today…

I can’t believe it! I saw a young feller walk past me the other day wearing a bit of cloth round his neck with Arsenal FC written on it. I’ve got nowt against people supporting whatever club they choose, but I couldn’t work out what that bloody thing was round his neck. I thought to myself, What’s wrong with a good old fashioned scarf, eh?

It’s a sign of the times though I suppose, football clubs try and sell all sorts of things to make money, and if the fans are daft enough to buy ’em, that’s their lookout.

Then, I overheard a couple of fellers talking about this neckwear – apparently they’re called snoods, and a lot of the players are wearing them in cold weather to keep warm.

Bloody ridiculous! In my day, if we had a bit of snow, the gaffer’d get an orange ball and buy a barrel of goose grease. We’d slap that grease on and we’d be out there, whatever the weather, just like any other week, banging goals in and kicking lumps off each other.

These days the players wear gloves, hats, thermal vests, tights, and now they’ve got what looks like a woman’s fashion scarf to keep ’em warm!

The football pitch is no place for a fashion show, and if any of my players’d tried wearing one of those bloody things I’d have throttled the bugger with it!

I know young lads want to wear all the latest gear, mainly so they can impress the girls, but when they cross that white line, they’re there to do a job as far as I’m concerned. It’s not a bloody fancy dress party!

As long as they perform and give everything for ninety minutes, then after the game I reckon they can dress themselves up however they like.

You do wonder about some of the choices they make though. I’ve seen ’em loaded up with enough bling to sink the QE2. I’ve seen ’em with shirts that look like they’re made of toilet paper, but probably cost a packet. Got more money than sense, those boys.

But one good thing is that, when their football careers are over, with their fashion sense, they’ve all got what it takes for a long career in pantomime!