Steve Bruce to sell own grandmother

Hull City manager Steve Bruce has announced that he will be recalling his grandmother from her loan spell after receiving a “substantial” bid from Reading.

It was believed that a deal to make the current arrangement between the elderly Mr and Mrs Bruce a permanent one had already been agreed when they took their marriage vows in 1946.

But small print has enabled Steve Bruce to recall his grandmother and sell her at a higher price.

The Hull boss said: “Grandma has been on a ‘lifetime loan’ to Grandpops for the last 68 years, but that contract always included an emergency recall clause.

“I have received a substantial offer from Reading, so if Grandpops wants to keep her he will have to come to the table and play ball.

“Grandma is under contract with this family and we will decide what her future will be. We would have been able to cash in on her sooner if it wasn’t for her recent hip problems.

“If Grandpops thinks he’s going to keep her for nothing, he’s got another thing coming. In their marriage vows he said it was for ‘richer or poorer’, and I’m about to get a whole lot richer because of this transfer, so really he should be happy for me.

“My job is look after the best interests of the Bruce family and if somebody is offering us a lot of money then of course I would sell my own grandmother. I’d dig up the family dog from the back garden if they wanted me to. In fact, come to think of it, that collar might be worth a few bob…”

The 93-year-old at the centre of the transfer battle is believed to be happy where she is, even if she is not entirely sure where that is.

Meanwhile Bruce’s grandfather is rumoured to be preparing a counter-offer of a packet of Werther’s Originals, a complete collection of Inspector Morse on VHS and 40-year’s worth of Angling Times back issues.

Asked to clarify what constitutes an ‘emergency recall’ Bruce said: “The word ‘emergency’ comes from the Latin ‘emergere’, meaning something rising up, and this is clearly an emergency situation because my grandmother’s transfer value is rising by the day.

“And yes, I have learnt Latin just to prove that point. I will do anything to grasp a few more quid, surely that much is obvious by now?”