Labour to make Fawaz Al-Hasawi party chairman in plot to sack Corbyn

A leaked memo obtained exclusively by LTLF has shown how senior Labour Party officials plan remove controversial left-wing MP Jeremy Corbyn from the leadership if he is elected.

As party members return their ballot papers, polls suggest Corbyn is set to come out on top in the race to succeed Ed Miliband. However, the Labour hierarchy intends to scupper him by simultaneously appointing a new party chairman.

According to the memo shared among senior party figures, in a shock move Kuwaiti businessman and football club-owner Fawaz Al-Hasawi has been lined up to take on the role.

The memo reads: “Jeremy Corbyn will no doubt be a popular appointment at first, but we must be prepared for the inevitable backlash and change in fortunes.

“Having studied Mr Al-Hasawi’s record as Nottingham Forest chairman, we must conclude that when it comes to knee-jerk reactions and rashly conceived changes in personnel, there is no one better.

“As soon as things start going wrong, he acts. With Al-Hasawi, there is no long-term planning or top-down vision, let alone a coherent ideology. He will be the perfect antidote to Corbynomics.

“What’s more, his handling of both Stuart Pearce and Billy Davies suggests he is more than capable of axing a scruffily-dressed but likeable character who rode into office on a wave of populism.

“He also seems to have a knack of hiring incredibly bland and uninspiring replacements, such as Alex McLeish or Dougie Freedman. This will be great news for Andy Burnham.”

The memo goes on to suggest that far from having to wait until after the 2020 election to oust Corbyn, Al-Hasawi would act upon the slightest dip in approval ratings: “Few people have more experience in chopping and changing staff in a desperate attempt to turn things around than Fawaz Al-Hasawi – and that’s exactly what we need as a party right now.

“Judging by Mr Al-Hasawi’s track-record, Corbyn will be gone within nine months. With any luck we can have got Yvette Cooper and Liz Kendall out of the way by 2018 as well.

“Just think about it – a new leader every year or so is the perfect smokescreen with which to disguise the real failings within our party. No one will be talking about the debts we ran up or the targets we missed when there is an almost-constant leadership debate going on.”

After the failure of opinion polls to predict the outcome of May’s general election, Al-Hasawi’s policy of gauging public opinion entirely by reading messages he is sent on Twitter will also appeal to party officials.

The memo concludes by saying that Mr Al-Hasawi’s appointment should be accompanied by him giving an interview in which he claims to have been a Labour Party supporter since he was a little boy, such spurious claims having proved effective about Nottingham Forest.