New manager Philippe Montanier has exclusively revealed his reason for saying ‘oui’ to Fawaz Al-Hasawi and Nottingham Forest.

The Frenchman told LTLF: ‘It comes down to Great Britain’s vote to leave the EU. Basically I’m desperate to get into English football. I was going to wait until a decent job offer came along, but with Boris Johnson about to haul the drawbridge up, I thought, “Meh, this will have to do.” [...]

Scientists have discovered a long-theorised but previously unidentified particle that goes some way to explaining the mysteries of the footballing universe.

The Hobbs-Boson is described as a crucial element of quantum physics that allows a footballer to be in two places at once and simultaneously have two contradictory transfer statuses.

Esteemed physicist Prof. Howard Ino told us: “We were starting to doubt the existence of the Hobbs-Boson, but finally our research paid off last week when we noticed that the defender Jack Hobbs was occupying several points in space and time at once.” [...]